Celluloid Orgasm

Avengers Ensemble!

2011-10-11T16:19:00.000+02:00

For some, the awfulness of Iron Man 2 will still hurt, not as much as the pain of the George Lucas/Jar Jar Binks/"Tone Poem" insanity period, but still painful in a "lets cure that techno virus thing that you've been suffering with using a handy injection of plot hole filler" way. However, it seems lessons were learned (we can hope one of those lessons is not to hire Mickey Rourke EVER again) and since IM2 (as the kids don't say) we've had "Shakespeare with Superpowers" Thor and..er..."War film with Superpowers" Captain America (or "Super Terrific Non Country Specific Solider" if you live in the East) and now the ingenius Marvel plan has reached its natural climax (or "phase 1" as big knob execs say) with "The Avengers" which is basically every Marvel Superhero thats had his own film out in the last 4 years (You won't see the X-men or Spider-Man as in the true spirit of the comics, the film rights aren't owned by Marvel Film Studios but by 20th Century Fox/Sony and the idea of 2 different studios teaming up to make the best superhero film in history is truly the stuff of geeky dreams). The film is out next year and directed by King of the Geeks, Joss Whedon. The trailer has just been released and is, in the true spirit of blockbusters & geek pleasing imagery, bloody amazing:

Aha! I lowered your expectations with a hilarious sweded version! (Thanks to Daily Blam)

And with your lower expectations, watch this!

The Dark Knight Rises Releases Ironic Teaser Poster

2011-07-12T08:53:00.002+02:00

We've been dribbled some more Batman drool courtesy of Christopher Nolan's spoiler teat (or Warner Bros. marketing juice depending on your view). Below is the new teaser poster for "The Dark Knight Rises" which still sounds like an elaborately named tower block.
Batman teaser posters are usually better than the final posters so enjoy, and no, you're not the only one asking yourself why everything in the poster is falling towards you if it's called "The Dark Knight Rises"...coz, y'know, rising is the opposite of falling, isn't it....

First Look: New Batman Villain!

2011-05-21T20:11:00.000+02:00

It seems only yesterday we all sat in the cinema watching Christian Bale's Batman and wishing it came with subtitles. Well it wasn't yesterday it was 3 years ago (ish) so its high time we had another chance to lean forward in our seats and wish we'd paid more attention in "How to Speak Grizzly Bear" Class. And that chance is now.
In case you didn't know, there's a new Batman film being made after Warner Bros. ~~threw enough money to clear the debt of three countries~~ convinced Christopher Nolan to make another one to "complete his trilogy". Called The Dark Knight Rises (which is also a REALLY good name for a East London tower block) it has a host of actual actors in it who presumably get to growl and mumble along with Christian Bale. Either way Nolan has yet to make a duff film (in my book anyway) so this is very exciting....see, I'm excited.

It also looks like they're trying a viral campaign to rival the last film (which had to be rethought at short notice once Heath Ledger died) and it seems to have kicked off today with a giant pixelated space appearing on the new website http://www.thedarkknightrises.com/ with instructions being that everytime the hashtag #thefirerises is used on Twitter a pixel will disappear, designed to uncover the picture over a prolonged period. Of course geeks were having none of this and the picture was uncovered within an hour.

So without further "ado" here is the picture of Batmans new nemesis...The Steampunk Egg!

X-Men First Class - Keep Up at the back there...

2011-02-11T16:14:00.009+01:00

Years before Matthew Vaughn directed the awesome Kick-Ass he bailed out of the sponge suited Vinne Jones travesty that was X-Men 3. After everyone agreed that X-Men 3 was so bad it killed the franchise we were only left with an aging Wolverine for a bleak filmic future for the X-men. Until now.
Matthew Vaughn decided to return to the franchise like a kind of blockbuster dog that vomited up a bad film and trotted away, only to return to the vomitey bad film sick mess a few years later to see if tastes any better. Does it? you decide. Here's the first official and not-photoshopped by geeks look at X-Men First Class:

Tintin Revealed!

2010-11-08T13:45:00.003+01:00

If there was a list of words you don't see together I'm pretty sure that "Belgian" "Ginger" and "Blockbuster" would be somewhere near, if not at, the top of that list.
And yet the world has just had its first look at Spielberg's new "blockbuster" about the unfathomably popular ginger Belgian detective, Tintin. Questions about how a blockbuster can be called a blockbuster before its even made any money at the box office aside, Tintin has been written by the creative genius that is Steven Moffat (Doctor Who, Jekyll, Sherlock Holmes), Edgar Wright (like you need reminding) and Joe Cornish (Joe from "Adam & Joe" and "Attack the Block") so it would have to take some major bad turns to mess it up...

The pictures look either:
A) Fantastically photo real and technologically amazing.
or
B) Terrifying, like every other attempt to make realistic cartoons (Beowulf, Polar Express, Gollum, Knight & Day).

As long as they've finally figured out how make CGI eyes look like they have life in them and not like the dead soulless creation of a CGI designer then hopefully it should turn out fine. It's due out next October so they've plenty of time to exhaust everyone with hype like they did with Scott Pilgrim and Tron.

The Social Network Review using Trivia

2010-10-13T11:19:00.005+02:00

The nutshell version is that this film is very good. So good the person sitting next to me felt the need to keep "tweeting" their thoughts throughout the film. While not seething with both rage & irony I managed to do almost unlimited Trivia spotting.
- It's about the origins of Facebook, so any thoughts of watching teenagers update their status for two hours are thankfully misplaced...
- Somehow you can still tell its a David Fincher film even without the threat of Aliens/Jodie Foster/Someone saying "the first rule of Facebook is that you don't talk about Facebook". Obviously if they did then it would defeat the whole point of Facebook.
- Its good to see that Fincher's unofficial directorial flair of "CGI cold breath" is evident. (go check if you don't believe me).
- Its got the new Spider-Man in it! (Andrew Garfield) His Nu Yoik accent is actually quite decent.
- Its got smug little shit Justin Timberlake in it! And most shockingly he's actually quite good? He is playing a smug little shit and founder of Napster* though.
- Trent Reznor did the soundtrack!
- It's got the girl who will be playing the "Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" in it! (Rooney Mara, or as her friends probably call her "Wayne" Rooney Mara"). Yep. We go there.
- Using computer magic the Winklevoss twins are portrayed by the same actor even though two actors are named in the credits. Hopefully "Josh Pence" was aware of this or its going to be VERY awkward in the Pence household.
And the best triva ever:
- Its got the little boy from Jurrassic Park in it!!!

Wow. Turns out "unlimited trivia" is actually about nine points.

*Not a Social Network for people that like cheeky napping. But should be.

An Englishman, a Welshman and an American walk into a Web.

2010-10-12T11:30:00.000+02:00

In frankly bizarre casting news, the "Welsh Ewan Mcgregor" Rhys Ifans has been cast as "The Baddy" in the new Spider-Man film. So not only is an English bloke (Andrew Garfield) playing Spider-Man but a Welsh bloke is playing his nemesis?
Who he'll be playing hasn't been announced but you can be sure that Rhys Ifans will:
A) Continue his trademark drunk acting style and not adopt his accent at all leading to a drunk Welsh super-villian. Great.
B) Somehow manage to appear in nothing but some dirty pants in a mistaken belief that the audience found it funny in "Notting Hill" and will stop loving him if he doesn't keep doing it.

With America still reeling from the fact that a English actor is playing a beloved all American superhero I can offer the following advice:

"That feeling you've got? yeah thats the same feeling we had when Renee Zellweger was cast as Bridget Jones, enjoy!"

"Salt" Review using Unreasonable Plot Holes And Bullet Points

2010-09-27T15:59:00.009+02:00

"Salt" tells the tale of how early 90's All Girl Group "Salt 'n' Peppa" formed. Not really, that would be rubbish, "Salt" tells the much more believable tale of Angelina Jolie being a kick ass sexy spy that can change hair colour and no-one recognises her. Again.
Theres nothing wrong with it, but if you're watching it with someone who innocently asks "its a bit like a lady Jason Bourne then" your viewing pleasure will instantly be ruined.
Instead, I found myself being distracted by tiny details like:
- Angelina Jolie TAKES HER PANTS OFF TO COVER A CCTV CAMERA, escapes into a Taxi and then sits in a very inappropriate position in the Taxi that would have definitely distracted the driver with her "Cradle Of Life"...that doesn't work does it.
- It then doesn't even hint at her putting pants back on again? Presumably she spends the rest of the film with no pants on. Jason Bourne wouldn't have done that.
- The film suffers that well known Hollywood Action flaw of "Awesomely accurate Agents/Assassins with one shot kill rate for most of the film suddenly lose all targetting abilities for the showdown".
- "Salt""disguises" herself as a "man". This means she sports a David Hasselhoff circa 1985 hairdo and instantly fools everyone. She also appears to wearing at least 3 kilos of latex mask which manages to make her look like Angelina Jolie. Weird.
- Liev Schreiber. At this stage I'd be more surprised if he made to the end of any film as the same character without being exposed as a killer/sleeper agent/Sabretooth.

All in all. Nyer.....look like they'll be a sequel. And if they don't call it "Salt: Pepper" then it should be boycotted.

New Trailer Gives Hope To 2010's Christmas Films.

2010-09-13T17:34:00.006+02:00

Newly released trailer for "Rare Exports" asks that question that children all over the world have asked at some point:
"Daddy, when are they going to make an awesome horror film about that Coke sponsored old man that creeps into our bedrooms on Christmas night and leaves presents on our beds?"

The standard answer is normally:
"He's called Grandad darling and I've already told you that sometimes he doesn't make it to the poo-pee bowl in time, and they've already made a film like that and it probably stars Robin Williams or Dustin Hoffman"

Until now, where they've actually made an awesome looking horror film about that Coke sponsored old man. Based on a short films "Rare Exports Inc." and "Rare Exports: Official Saftey Instructions" it's out at Christmas, obviously..... In an attempt to get on the poster I'll do a "Paul Ross" and throw in the one line review "Yule poo your pants! three thumbs up!" even though I haven't seen it yet....

Scott Pilgrim: Live Blog Review

2010-08-26T01:30:00.000+02:00

Hurrah Scott Pilgrim is here! To say I've been visibly excited for months is an understatement. To say I've been looking forward to seeing Scott Pilgrim vs The World is about right.

As we try to offer unique reviews that are different to the 10 million other film blogs out there, I've decided to try something no other blog has done (to my knowledge) and do a live blog! updating it AS I WATCH THE FILM! why no one else has ever thought of this I don't know! idiots!

Anyway. I've opted for the 8:10 showing at my local Odeon. Here we go!

8:43: The film starts! Oh, yep thats an Edgar Wright stylised introduction right there. Nice!
8:45: Title sequence is really...just been asked to turn my phone off. I'm not going to. I explain to them I'm live blogging. I get three more noises of encouragment from around me. Win!
8:47: Some Odeon minion asks me outside. I explain I'm trying to watch the film.

10:30pm: After convincing the manager (who was about 10 years old) that I wasn't filming the film and if I was I wouldn't be doing it on a mobile phone, I was allowed back in although had to leave my phone outside with them. This is probably why no-one else does live blogging.

In Summary then. It was good. If a little too weird. I can understand why "the masses" didn't get it although still a bit confused why it didn't do better after such massive hype? surely "the masses" would have at least gone to see it once before telling the rest of the masses not to? weird! You should definitely go and see it.

Exclusive Set Report: The Expendables

2010-08-11T11:26:00.002+02:00

Hi, Ian Ronic here and I'm in Brazil standing in the middle of a ex-jungle that has been burnt down and rebuilt as a modern day LA studio that houses the jungle set for 2010's eagerly awaited 80's meathead fest "The Expendables"!
For anyone that doesn't know what all the fuss is about, ask your Grandad (especially if your Grandad is Sylvester Stallone).
So here I am, it’s 10am and everyone is eagerly awaiting the arrival of the cast. A minibus pulls up and some elderly famous look-a-likes are lowered off the access ramp, weird, I was told I was the only set visitor today. Upon quipping to Tina, The PR officer, that it’s great that Hollywood still acknowledges the elderly I'm told that the "old people" are actually the cast. A nervous laugh and closer inspection tells me that Sylvester Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jet Li have just arrived at the building. It’s going to be quite a day. Makes me glad I bought a translator with me. The awkward pause is broken by the screeching of tyres as a black sports car spins into the air and lands in a parking space. Jason Statham has just arrived. The cast is complete.

I'm left behind while the cast are wheeled into make up/animatronics to be ready for their scenes. I manage a few words with one of the head puppeteers "each of the main stars has at least six puppeteers working them at any one time. We're told we'll be airbrushed out in the final edit, but you never know they might forget a bit and you'll see one of us moving Stallone's forearm or something...fame at last eh?"....

I'm informed I'm not allowed to see any filming today as it might distract the stars who seem to think I'm their grandson? As I wander round the set with the translator and the PR officer I come across a large stained concrete wall with each of the stars names written in chalk at different levels? Tina explains that it’s the "pissing wall"? "With big has-been stars you get big modern day egos and in the early days of filming there were a lot of fights, or at least heated pushing, the producer decided to avoid any broken hips they should literally have a pissing contest, and that’s how the pissing wall came to be". It's interesting to note that Jet Li's name is written at the top of the wall....

It’s Lunchtime and I'm allowed to join the cast for lunch. There's disarray in the ranks as its Protein Shakes and Meatloaf, again. Stallone is NOT happy "Hur nungh, I hade medlof" where’s that translator when I need him? Mickey Rourke looks directly at me, holds out his hand and motions towards me "gunda" I think its some meatloaf in his hand, I try to tell him I've got some and motion to my mouth "you eat it, hmmmm" this makes him snort "GUNDA!" I eat his offering. I don't think it was meatloaf....

It's 2pm, naptime. The entire set is closed down and the crew are forced to have naps so not to upset the stars. Having walked round the car park twice I decide to go back to the hotel. Tina rings me later to ask me if I enjoyed my day and to tell me that it’s going to be an awesome film when it’s released......

Inception: Reviewed by a Commercial Radio Station DJ

2010-08-04T13:14:00.000+02:00

"And that was Robbie Williams with Angels, I love that song! Films now, and if anyone's a fan of "The Dark Knight" then you'll love "Inception"! Its directed by Chris "The Dark Knight" Nolan and features Leonardo "Titanic" Di Caprio as a dream thief who steals peoples dreams! It really is amazing, you have to see it to believe it! Theres a bit where a city turns in on itself, it was great! I was lucky enough to see it last night and I've got to say that I loved "The Dark Knight" but this film is even better! It's a bit confusing but still an excellent thrill ride! I give it two thumbs up! Top Banana! Talking of Chris's here's Chris Martin and Coldplay with "Fix You" it's 30 past midday!"

The A-Team Review by The Amazing Switcheroo "The only film reviewer that can LITERALLY turn his brain off"

2010-07-21T10:41:00.000+02:00

Hello everyone, this is my first review for Celluloid Orgasm, mainly as Ian can't be arsed to keep ~~thinking up~~ reporting on ~~made up~~ genuine film news...
So I saw The A-Team last night and using my unique talent to quite literally turn my brain off I have divided this review into two parts "Brain on" & "Brain off":

Brain On:
AAAAAAARGHHH what? but how did? well that makes no sense at all? oh that's just ridiculous! You just couldn't do that in real life....oh well that's just stupid. They'd never be able to do that. WHAT? but how did he? I'm pretty sure a Federal Agent wouldn't do that. Is he wearing coloured contacts? Oh that's just a waste of money, well that's obviously CGI, and that. And that. You'd never be able to outrun that in real life. Why is Hannibal talking like Darkman? oh right. Was he in Watchmen? WHAT? The chances of THAT happening at that EXACT time are a gazillion xillion to one! Oh thank God its over....oh The Girl Who Played With Fire is out soon..

Brain Off:
Cool. Thats ridiculously awesome. Pretty sure they could have spent the CGI budget on saving the Third World but I'm very glad they haven't and they've put it on the screen so I can watch shit getting blown up by four military pyromaniacs....THUMBS UP! That was MUCH better than I was expecting!...oh wow, they've FINALLY made a Marmaduke film! that looks hilarious!

And that's my review. I guess the lesson is, watch it with your brain off and it's great!

*WARNING*
*DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE PLOT OR SITUATIONS PORTRAYED IN THIS FILM*

Hollywood Celebrates 10th Anniversary of Crap Blockbusters

2010-07-19T13:25:00.000+02:00

Hollywood is unofficially celebrating 10 consecutive years of half decent Summer Blockbusters by making 2010 "An Unofficial Anniversary Celebration of Crapness".

The Unofficial not-especially Commissioned films are:

The A Team - In celebration of Charlies Angels. Yes it really is 10 years since the only man that can kill a Terminator, McG, was unleashed on the world with his updated take on an old 80's TV show that was infinitely better in peoples Nostalgia banks than on film. Full of "funny" in jokes and a plot so wafer thin that it made Cameron Diaz look fat, The A Team is hoping to repeat that elusive (and lucrative) "Nostalgia + Special Effects = Money" Formula.

The Last Airbender - In Celebration of Unbreakable. M Night Shalalalyyalman continues riding the very threadbare back of his previous success by making a film based on a cartoon series about "Airbenders". Snigger. Originally called "Avatar: The Last Airbender" James Cameron nicked the title first leaving M's film with the funniest title of the year to anyone that doesn't watch badly animated cartoons...

Inception - In Celebration of Memento aka The "weird" outsider film that will become a classic. Chris Nolan is a genius. And that's officially fact now. Back in 2000 he made Memento, his first "proper" film which was widely ignored at the time but is now regarded as a classic amongst people who watch films and don't regard the cinema as a dark place to eat Multiplex made nachos.

Jonah Hex - In Celebration of Wild Wild West. A guaranteed blockbuster on paper is once again put through the "StudioLogicFilter" and comes out a weird mess that looks like its dripped out of a six year old's mind...."and then a big metal spider appears". Shame.

Knight & Day - In Celebration of Mission: Impossible 2. Tom Cruise continues to try far too hard to please his public. Just stop Tom, just stop. Adding more explosions won't make us love you again.

A Hollywood insider bleated "Its a very exciting year for us, what a better way to acknowledge how far we've come in terms of Summer Blockbusters than reminding the moviegoers how lucky they are! I mean it was this or remaking "Lost in Space" or "Batman & Robin"...imagine!!"

The entire planet hopes that Hollywood Summers are returned to normal in 2011...

Disgusting film Disgusts People by Non-Disgusting Osmosis

2010-06-09T14:09:00.000+02:00

The Killer Inside Me, a film that hasn't even been released at the time of writing, has been branded "shocking" "outrageous", "disgusting" and "outrageously, shockingly disgusting-ey" by everyone. Ever.
The film, which Celluloid Orgasm believes to be about:

A) Someone that has a killer "inside" them.
B) Someone that has a killer inside them.
C) Someone that has a killer inside them.

Is possibly about someone that might be a killer and has managed to alienate not only the Daily Mail, but everyone else that has either seen the poster, read something about the film or simply stood next to someone that has done one of those things. One man, who was too scared to give his name in case he was associated with the film, said "I haven't seen the film. I have no intention of seeing the film. I tried thinking about the sort of person that would want to see the film and I collapsed from my mind blowing. Its disgusting that someone would want to film a killer inside someone". One projectionist commented "I couldn't even touch the film to put it in the viewer. It burnt my skin and made me want to kill someone. I found Jesus once my shift was finished".

Widespread reports show that all over the world people have been reviewing the film, without reviewing the film. Comments on the internet include:
- "What is wrong with people. If I wanted to see a killer inside someone I'd go hang out in the showers at death row."
- "His tie isn't done up properly on the poster. WTF Hollywood? Scruffy? Hello!"
- "Its sick M8. I red dat u can see th boobs innit"
- "Never heard of it. Although I'll immediately read up on it and form an opinion to conform to the majority"

The film makers have called for reason, claiming fantastical demands like "All we ask is that you watch the film first, then judge it." and, in what appears to a straight out marketing ploy "The story is based on a book that was published in 1952, its been around for over 50 years!" of course, with no-one being able to travel back in time 1952 to prove their claim, this will remain unconfirmed. The film company have offered a different spin on the controversy, saying that "all publicity is good publicity" and "believe the hype. This film is about a killer inside something".

Celluloid Orgasm hasn't seen the film yet and has no desire to. Because they don't want to die a terrible, agonising death as the Daily Mail said would happen to anyone that looked at more than 30 seconds of footage.

Film News Dries Up. The Collective Menopause of Sex & The City Actresses Blamed

2010-06-04T17:12:00.000+02:00

Here is a picture of a man in some pants.

You'll have to trust Celluloid Orgasm on this one occasion. This picture is infinitely more entertaining than anything else happening today. I'm off to enjoy the sun and drink Pimms from a straw hat.

Enjoy.

Mickey Rourke Served with "Compulsory Subtitle" Clause

2010-06-02T11:54:00.000+02:00

Mickey Rourke celebrated today after he became the first Hollywood actor in history to have a "Compulsory Subtitle" clause written into his personality.
What does that mean in normal people language? it means that every time he appears on TV or Film he has to be subtitled (Radio was left out as no one listens to that anymore) so people can understand him.
A Hollywood BigKnob explains: "We had a problem with Mickey, since people seem to love the films he appears in, but research shows us that no one can actually understand him, leaving them with no idea to the plot of the film. This was fine when he was making direct-to-video titles through the 90's but now he's popular again, its become a situation"
The BigKnob added:
"I mean, look at the Wrestler, its a masterpiece of film-making, but our research shows the audience believed only three actual words of dialogue were spoken by Rourke"
A Celluloid Orgasm re-watch of this can confirm the only words audible from the constant growl from Rourke were "Fuck-Up" "Second Chance" and "My Life".
It would appear Iron Man 2 was the last straw for Hollywood after 99% of moviegoers reporting that they had no idea Rourke was playing a Russian in the film, they just thought he didn't like Tony Stark because he had a robot suit that he wanted and tried to copy. Badly. It was this damning report that led Hollywood to force all of Rourkes future appearances in Film to be subtitled just so Hollywood can return to its plot driven, scripted character work that has made it so successful in the past...

The first film to be subtitled is expected to be "The Expendables" which also stars Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li and Jason Statham. Rumours that the whole film would be subtitled have been denied by Hollywood, who commented "That would just be stupid. The subtitles for all of those actors dialogue would take up 80% of the screen, making it a very expensive reading exercise"

Celluloid Orgasm has now seen Iron Man 2, and thought that Mickey Rourke has mastered the art of getting paid lots, to do very little.

The 2nd Most Exciting Thing In Film This Year Has Happened

2010-06-01T10:02:00.000+02:00

The first being the teaser. The second being the "Official" "Theatrical" Trailer. Although we're not entirely sure what that means and why there can't just be different trailers.

Edgar Wright is a genius. Sadly his first foray into Hollywood will probably mean lots of crap imitations which will now be cloned out by "The Industry".

Anyway. They'll be a few years away (unless you're Asylum films in which case look out for "Scott World vs The Pilgrims or some crap-fest) so for now enjoy the pure shit:
Scott Pilgrim vs The World Official Theatrical Trailer

Harry Potter children revealed as "real" "Grown ups" Shocker!

2010-05-27T09:26:00.000+02:00

The Movie world was rocked today by the news that the stars of Harry Potter are actually older than the smoke and mirrors used in film would have us believe...

As our leaked photo shows, Daniel Radcliffe appears to be at least 43 years old in the rare off camera shot. Whether this is a real behind the scenes photo of the actors or some kind of Dark Spell cast by Voldermort, no one knows.

One expert, who I can't be bothered to make a name up for, said "This really is a bad situation. Its the last thing the studio would want leaked. If real, the public would be outraged to think that 43 year old actors have been playing 14 year olds all these years. Plus its a bit creepy. But not for anyone that now thinks its okay to fancy the main posh girl in it. Of course it might also be a spell cast by him who's name we can't speak or whatever that saying is."

Despite the glaringly obvious confusion between reality and made up film magic, our expert agrees that whatever the cause, fans won't be able to tell the difference on screen "They can pretty much do anything on screen these days, as any one that's seen Ewan McGregor as a Jedi Knight can confirm, so making older actors look like children will literally be....child's play!"

The studio refused to comment but would have possibly said "no comment" if they had.

UK jumps on "Lost Finale" Bandwagon

2010-05-24T14:34:00.000+02:00

British people were today waking up to discover that everything is running two hours late, because of the "Lost" "Finale" being screened by Sky at 5am.

Trains, Post, the last three remaining Milkmen and anyone that has to get up on a Monday were all late as everyone tuned in at dawn to discover what happened to the annoying people that have been stuck on a island for 6 years. Or 90 days in the "Lost" timeframe, or not. Whatever.

Royal Mail have released a statement saying that the usual 2pm post delivery time will "probably have caught up with itself by next Monday" which is a UK Bank Holiday. While Southern Trains, who canceled all trains today due to "unforeseen circumstances on the island", have said that all passengers will be subjected to a "Lost" themed journey where they get on a train which unexpectedly be terminated at a mystery station, leaving them to find their own way home, just like in Lost. And the average commuter day.

The last three UK milkmen all said that they thought the finale was brilliant, although could've been cooked a bit more.

A random fan told us "Putting the last Lost on at 5am was very fitting as it made even less sense watching it having just woken up than it does at 9pm at night"

Upon hearing the news that Lost made the whole UK late, Sky told us "thats really weird as we only have viewing figures of 16,000 for that screening".

Upon hearing THAT news both Royal Mail & Southern Trains declined to comment.

Photoshop: The Movie

2010-05-20T14:28:00.000+02:00

After the acting debut of Lensflare in the commercial and critical success of last years "Star Trek" movie, Adobe have announced Photoshop: The Movie. Starring two of the Baldwin Brothers in whats guaranteed to be a box office smash.

A spokesman for Adobe layer filtered "It was a surprise when Lensflare was cast as an background artist in Star Trek, we certainly weren't prepared for a situation where a non-speaking extra was more talked about than those guys that weren't Simon Pegg" and then added, after crashing twice, "It seemed only natural to capitalise on the success and introduce all the elements of Photoshop into one exciting movie event"

On the casting of two generic Baldwin brothers the spokesman clone stamped "They were the only two who were ~~desperate~~ enthusiastic enough to let us make the necessary adjustments to their features to appear in this film without spending millions on post production"

The film, directed by a sixth form art student will be released next Summer just in time for it be immediately outdated by a newer version.

NEWS: Ewan "Mc"Gregor to "Replace" decent Actor Shocker!

2010-05-18T14:33:00.000+02:00

Terry Gilliam has claimed that The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, the film that-he-really-should-just-take-the-hint-and-never-ever-make has found a new "star" to replace genuine star Johnny Depp. Its Ewan McGregor.

McGregor says that he looks forward to bringing his piss poor American accent to the role and will try to display another expression other than "smiling" and that shocked open mouth thing he does for every other emotion. The rest of the world just shrugs and looks forward for the film to be watched and bought on DVD (or downloaded) by a mate who can lend it to them like all of Gilliams other recent films.

Gilliam just seems pissed off with Johnny Depp for not "waiting for him" like some wife of a jailed lifer.

Johnny Depp was last seen jumping into his fortune like Scrooge McDuck does at the beginning of "Duck Tales".

Hot Tub Time Machine

2010-04-27T10:12:00.000+02:00

Because I'm lazy heres a review entirely made up of quotes I overheard/made up. If you're bored why not try and work out which ones I overheard and which ones I made up. If you're somehow lazier than me skip to the bottom for the nutshell review...

"Yeah, Really Funny"
"I want a Hot Tub Time Machine!"
"Was that the bloke from 2012?"
"she was well fit"
"That was hilarious!"
"All I'm saying is we should do more things like this"
"But surely they'd remember their new lives?"
"That bald guy was REALLY funny, wasn't he the paedo from Curb Your Entusiasm?"
"That was the fat kid from Kick Ass, he's doing alright, for a fat kid"

NUTSHELL VERSION:
Really Funny. Don't see it with your sensible logic based friends though.

Catch Up Films What I Have Watched Recently

2010-04-11T22:22:00.000+02:00

Harry Brown:
Good: Micheal Caine vs Chavs.
Bad: REALLY awful and unneccessary CGI effects at the end. Surely a splash of fake blood is cheaper?

Sherlock Holmes: I was outvoted in the "what shall we watch" poll.
Good: Robert Downey Junior doing anything is immediately watchable.
Bad: Unless its homo-erotic alpha male crap with Jude Law. And the "woman" in it looks more like Holmes daughter than a love interest.
Additional Bad: Interesting to see "Guy Ritchie's return to form (again)" involves a directing by numbers Hollywood franchise with no real autueristic touches. Still, at least he hasn't remade "Lock Stock" for the 4th time.

Up In The Air:
Good: Although I'm not sure why.
Bad: Typical Oscar hyped film where nothing really happens but is still quite good so it ends up annoying you that you like it.

"IP Man" Or Possibly "Yip Man" (depending on your version): Coz IP Man sounds like an film about a web programmer.
Good: Awesome martial arts film about the bloke that taught Bruce Lee. Or something.
Bad: Unless your fluent in Chinese or Korean the English Subtitles should help with the plot.

Ninja Assassin:
Good: Awesome idea, fight scenes and FX.
Bad: Goes rapidly downhill after the "Military Guns vs Ninjas" fight.

House of the Devil: That film you've heard about that was made in 2009 but looks like 1983.
Good: Features the best 80's "bopping round the house" dance scene since, er, the actual 80's.
Bad: Sadly they spent more money trying to recreate that 80's look than on a script. Nothing happens for an about hour. Then it doesn't make any sense.

Big Man Japan:
Good: Very Funny take on "big monster" films.
Bad: The bits where he isn't fighting big monsters are really boring. And I have literally no idea what happens at the end....

Daybreakers: A world where everyone is a Vampire, except "Ol Mad Eyes" himself, Willem Dafoe.
Good: Nice ideas and twists on Vampire "laws".
Bad: Rubbish film. Not "sparkly skin" Twilight rubbish but it does feature glaringly large plot holes.

Zombieland:
Good: Zombies. Woody Harrelson doing a more audience friendly version of Mickey Knox. And that guy who isn't Micheal Cera but is soaking up all the "stuttering awkward teen pauses" roles that he doesn't want.
Bad: Very long tedious bits without zombies. In places it felt like watching "The Zombie Wonder Years". Which is actually a really good idea.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo:
Good: Really good. Not as good as the book.
Bad: I haven't read the book. And I fell asleep ten minutes into it so I relied on my girlfriends opinion. Sorry. The bits I saw looked good.

Couldn't be arsed to get any pictures. Mainly as Lost is about to start.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

2010-03-26T11:15:00.001+01:00

Prepare to get excited......NOW

Film Title In Self Explantory Film Review Shocker

2010-03-24T10:11:00.001+01:00

Kick-Ass. A very rare example of a film title that reviews itself. Not that I'd ever use those words to review a film. You'd be better off reading Heat magazine (other crap rags are available) for those kind of ingenious word plays.
As I'm still trying to find a style for this blog I'll use bullets points until that style becomes apparent.
- The little girl is Amazing. It reminded us of Natalie Portman in Leon and Kirstin Dunst in Interview with a Vampire. In a bad way. This took three pints until we all admitted that in the pub afterwards.
- Its easily the best "Comedy Superhero" film ever, which now replaces Mystery Men for the number one slot (in my headlist) and X-Men 3 falls down a place too. Vinnie Jones in a muscle suit...snigger.
- Its made me want to go and read the comic even though I rarely buy comics because of my short attention...oooh look, a shiny.
- If you like Superheroes, Violence, Comedy or your girlfriend is "letting" you choose which film to see this week, its this film you're thinking of.

Scott Pilgrim, you have just been slapped in the face with the "comic book film 2010" challenge glove....

Predators Trailer:

2010-03-19T13:03:00.000+01:00

Morpheus and The Pianist vs "Predators" Trailer

Not a Predator. But look! dreadlocks "like" a Predator >

Exciting. FACT:

2010-03-18T19:30:00.000+01:00

Scott Pilgrim vs The World is going to make a lot of geeks very happy. The hype on this move means that pictures like this:

Get geeks like me VERY excited. Of course "Normal People" would just see a gangly teenager bent over a guitar. These People are idiots and should stay in more. You can see the gangly teen and retro typeface in even more detail over at the official website

An Old Fashioned Rant:

2010-03-11T19:30:00.000+01:00

Things I'm getting bored of hearing about:
-Anyone involved in any way with the Twilight films saying anything at all and it gets reported on. The films are crap. Bloody sparkly skin indeed.

- The thousands of people being auditioned for Captain America, just pick someone! if you haven't found the right person then maybe you should think twice about making a film on one a boring Superhero who's coolest feature is his shield.

- Quentin Tarantino making a war film and now being linked to other genres because he's changed his style. Of course he's not going to make a Rom-Com. He's Quentin Tarantino!

- 3D being the new Wispa Bars, James Cameron spent ten years making and filming Avatar in 3D. Retro fitting 3D onto films already shot can't be a good idea. Clash of Titans I'm looking directly at you.

Summer Blockbusters in the Air

2010-02-15T16:38:00.000+01:00

The Summer of The Hero:

Iron Man 2

Kick Ass

Clash of The Titans

Oh right. I see what I've done there as every Summer blockbuster has a Hero....

Must try harder......